Considerations for Suffering People

Ed Welch, author, counselor, and CCEF faculty member, posted a very helpful article entitled, "More Things Not to Say to Those Who are Suffering." If you are interested in knowing how to serve suffering friends and church members with your deeds and words, I recommend that you give attention to his comments. (Frankly I would commend any of Welch's writings to you.)

I would like to draw attention to one point of disagreement. My quibble is not with Welch, per se, as you will see. I simply want to encourage sufferers to consider how they endure hardship.

Welch describes how, over the years, he has heard from many sufferers. Through those conversations he developed a list of helpful and unhelpful things that sufferers had heard from would-be comforters. Then he writes:

Here is something that I have heard a number of times on the “Not Helpful” list. I have heard it often enough that it deserves to become part of our body of pastoral wisdom.

“If you need anything, please call me—anytime.”

Suffers are usually gracious and give us a lot of slack for thoughtless remarks, so I was surprised when this became a theme. Those who mentioned it didn’t say that the comment was meaningless to them, though it was. They said that it was actually unhelpful. Why? I usually don’t ask that question, but I can piece together some of the answers.

• If “comforters” knew anything about real hardship, they would know that sufferers usually don’t know what they want or need.
• If comforters knew anything about the sufferer, they would know what the sufferer wants or needs.
• If comforters really knew the sufferer, they would know that he or she would never make the call. Never.

The comment is the equivalent of “ta ta, see you later,” “luv ya, call me sometime,” or some other mindless goodbye. The speaker is not giving any real thought to the comforter’s needs and circumstances, and the suffering person knows it.

So don’t say “If you need anything, please call me—anytime.” to anyone. Let’s put it to rest and never let it appear on another “Not Helpful” list.

I mildly disagree with the frequent objection to the comment, "If you need me, call me--anytime." When I was going through chemotherapy and radiation, I heard it countless times. And sure it may seem the equivalent of "a mindless goodbye." But it seems at least a step better than that. The comforter could simply end what to him/her is already an awkward conversation by actually verbalizing, "Well, bye," and then walking out. Thankfully that never happened to me. But if it did, I wouldn't put that on the same level as "If you need me, call." The latter is at least an attempt to serve or care; the former is not.

Furthermore I think the sufferer needs to be careful about thinking things like, "if they knew hardship they wouldn't ask" or "if they knew me, they wouldn't ask."

• Re: hardship, the sufferer must recognize that God is just as sovereign over the other person's relative non-suffering as God is over his/her own suffering. Is it really that person's fault for not knowing hardship like the sufferer does? Does the sufferer even know whether the comforter has experienced hardship? And that perhaps, when the comforter was suffering, he/she had a list of ways that people could help? In short, the sufferer needs to be careful not to assume the position of judge.
• Re: relationship, the sufferer must recognize that friendship is a two-way street. Saying "if the comforter knew anything about me" presumes that the other person is the only one responsible for a relationship. That raises a couple of different thoughts. (a) Assuming a larger church like mine, is it really reasonable for the sufferer to expect that everyone would know him/her? The sufferer recognizes that he/she cannot know everyone else, so why should he/she suppose that others know him/her very well? (b) Assuming a smaller church in which everyone is recognizable, the sufferer must consider whether he/she has invested at all in the comforter's life. Again, relationships are a two-way street. They may not know me, but do I really know them? And would--or should--my limited knowledge of them keep me from caring for them?

To sum up, the sufferer needs to recognize that depravity did not depart with the onset of hardship. We are still as prone to self-centered living as in times of comparative ease. Consider God's response to Job. The friends certainly were out of line, chapter 42 unquestionably demonstrates. But Job, the sufferer, didn't suffer sinlessly. Comforters certainly need to take care what they say; to that end Welch's article is tremendous. I would simply encourage sufferers to appreciate even mindless words and view them as tokens of God's favor to give friends who are (if nothing else) well-intentioned.

HT: Andy Naselli